Sibling conflict is not a new phenomenon; it occurs in almost all families and can even be healthy.
But sometimes ongoing fighting can place too much strain on families and become too much to bear.
In such cases, it could actually be a good idea for siblings to live separately, provided, of course, that they have two healthy homes to live in.
Mark de la Rey, a clinical psychologist practising at Netcare Akeso, says sibling conflict is a difficult issue for parents, because you are always dealing with different personalities and temperaments. Plus, if the age gap is more than two years, you also have to deal with the fact that what may be allowed for one might not be appropriate for the other.
When children share bedrooms or even small homes, sibling wars can be even more serious.
“The best starting point in such cases would be to always try to hear each one out, without you or the other child interjecting. Having a fair ‘hearing’ can often be helpful in resolving conflicts,” he advises.
After this, it is a case of trying to allow each child to individualise their space – within reason, and then trying to arrange some time when they can each be alone in the room.
Sharing a bedroom however, is not necessarily a problem or contributor to sibling bickering. In fact, de la Rey says that siblings who have good relationships and are supportive of each other can actually be a source of comfort to one another.
“They can keep each other occupied and may also be able to confide in each other about problems such as friendship issues.”
One should be mindful, though, of having children of different genders together when the ages vary significantly. This is because they have different ways of playing, different groups of friends, and may not always get along due to the fact they may deal with situations differently.
“In extreme cases there is also a danger around sexual activity or experimentation.”
He adds: “It is difficult to say what the best age is for sharing a bedroom as circumstances may vary, but a general rule of thumb would be that from the age of 11 or 12, most children are starting to experience puberty and bodily changes, and need more privacy.”
Bedroom-sharing issues aside, when there are constant, extreme cases of fighting, parents could actually consider separating their children on a more permanent basis. If parents live apart, and the children have good relationships with both of them and enjoy constant communication and engagement, it may be a healthy idea for one sibling to live with the one parent and the other sibling to live with the other.
They could alternate homes, such as one week with the mom and one week with the dad, and then spend weekends together, alternating between both homes. This would give each child space to develop as individuals and improve their temperaments, mental health, and general well-being.
“There are definitely cases where it may be helpful to separate siblings, and it may even be at the request of the children themselves. This, however, needs to be led by an appropriate assessment by the relevant mental health professionals and family collaboratively.”
In cases where a child has a closer relationship with one parent, or where the age gap is great, de la Rey says such a separation could be helpful as there will be different interests that need to be attended to.
“When carried out in a carefully managed way, this can be beneficial to both of the children’s mental health and well-being, but must never be done because parents are actively creating a split.”
If this is not an option for parents, he advises that parents could assist their children to find different outlets in which to express themselves, such as having separate sports or hobbies.
“This may mean that their times in the house or shared bedroom rarely overlap.”
Parents can also create spaces in the home where their children can take turns to spend time after school for homework or relaxation.