By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - I’m sure you’ve seen the social media around NOvember, it seems to be taking over from MOvember.
NOvember is extremely relevant in South Africa with our out of control gender based violence. The play is on NO because No should always mean No and saying no should not lead to a woman being assaulted or even killed.
Consent is the most important part of any interaction, sexual or otherwise but so many of us seem to be confused about what consent means. Let me say this upfront – any person who is drunk or otherwise mentally impaired (think drunk or drugged) CANNOT consent. To think that consent was given is disingenuous and you are committing a crime. Let me say that again – A CRIME!
What constitutes consent?
A recent survey found that everybody agreed that consent was essential when it came to sex. And I mean everybody interviewed in the survey. I was impressed.
If everyone knows that consent is essential and that without consent you are committing a crime, how come we have such high rape statistics? I’m only talking about actual reported rapes, there are many more unreported attacks.
I understand that rape is a touchy subject and that it seldom has anything to do with sex but more to do with power. In any form, rape is completely unacceptable and a violation of human dignity. In its worst form it leaves the victim mutilated, if not dead. I wish attackers would understand that a sexual violation leaves a lifetime of scars and affects what should be pleasurable and an untenable activity.
In 58 countries around the world, a husband cannot be found guilty of raping his wife. It is her duty to spread her legs wide and take it any time he wants to. I find the concept repugnant and will fight for change until my dying breath.
Consent is the most important part of the sexual transaction. Last week I referred to the levels of communication required in a BDSM (Bondage) relationship. To participate in a play the parties are required to give unambiguous verbal consent. For those of you who are unsure about what I mean – let me spell it out.
‘May I blindfold you and cuff your wrists behind your back?’ she asks. He replies, ‘Yes, you may blindfold me and cuff my wrists behind my back.’ Unequivocal, unambiguous consent.
Now imagine if we could do that kind of communication in our common garden variety relationships.
Sigh!
Consent can be withdrawn at any stage. It doesn’t matter if she led you on, had her hands down your pants and then changed her mind. No is no, it doesn’t matter how far down the road you’ve gone.
In BDSM relationships it is withdrawn by the use of the safe word. To continue with the play after the safe word is called is a complete breach of the relationship and the trust that exists between the parties. We all know what happens when trust leaves, it’s gone forever.
The problem with consent is so few of us have actually said yes!
Consent is almost always implied and that’s where things go wrong. Think about it, have you ever been asked or asked, ‘May I have sex with you?’ or how about ‘may I kiss you, lick you? Etc.
No! What a surprise!
Have you ever received a reply, ‘Yes you may.’
It reminds me of a story I heard at university and it may be an urban myth, but it’s a good story. A man goes up to a woman at a party and says, ‘What would you say to a little F***?’ and she replies ‘Hello little F***!’ Brilliant! I’ve been waiting 40 years to use that line.
The point is that 99.9% of us never ask and never give actual verbal consent.
In the same survey where everyone agreed that consent was vital to the sex transaction, they were then asked how they asked for and received consent. This is when the squirming began.
Nobody had actually asked or even said yes. Consent was implied and here is where it gets really terrifying, they all said – ‘well nobody stopped me!’
It would seem than that consent is implied because you didn’t say no.
I don’t know about you but I can’t even say no comfortably to the telemarketer who calls me at dinner time.
Saying no to someone is one of those things we have to go on self help courses to learn how to do. It is the word NO that stands between you and a criminal offense.
So what if we turn this upside down and ensure that consent means something other than not saying no.
What if consent is simply to say verbally and unequivocally, yes. Nothing is assumed. We may be able to save ourselves from a difficult he said, she thought, conversation.
I asked my family about how they all get consent.
Yes, we do talk about sex as if it is a normal part of life and conversation. It would seem that even in my house we have issues. ‘Would you like to come over, watch Netflix and chill?’ seems to count as asking for consent. I’m putting a stop to that way of thinking right now.
I’m going to suggest, no beg you to ask for consent from your partner the next time you want to have sex. It is actually really sexy!
I’d love you all to show some love by following me on Instagram – I even consent! https://www.instagram.com/lolamontezboutique/