By Henry Bantjez
He lies on our bed, bare-chested, arms stretched out behind him, a quiet snore, the two dogs nestled into his sides. A cool breeze from the Atlantic Ocean takes a chance through our opened French doors. I reach down and gently caress his beard, trying not to disturb his nap, but he opens his blue eyes and stares into my soul.
“Tu sei il ragazzo più bello del mondo per me,” I whisper in Italian, bending down, I kiss him, cup his face in my hands and ask, “Do you know what that means?” He pats the dogs.
“No babe,” he says and steals back a kiss.
“It means that you are the most beautiful guy in the world to me.”
I mean what I say. He knows it. He is my world. My everything.
“It’s time for the dogs to go play,” he says, all of a sudden awake. Conscious. Aware. In love. He closes the door on the dogs and jumps back in the bed like an excited child. I look him in the eyes.
Out of breath, he asks, “What?” I move closer. “You know what,” I say. He smiles. “Yes, I know,” he says. His eyes sparkle. He looks happy.
When his holiness the Dalai Lama was asked what the meaning of life was, he answered: a happy and meaningful life. I strongly believe that to achieve this, warm-heartedness or compassion is the key factor. Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. If you can’t help them, don’t hurt them.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive, and neither can your relationship. A sense of concern for others, and in this context, our life partners, gives our lives meaning. It is the root of all human happiness. But judgement holds us back.
Sometimes you just need to let go. Accept that your partner has different needs than yours. Embrace them. Understand them. Give them shapes. Hold them in your hands. Feel them. But also don’t be so harsh on yourself. Express your needs.
When you practice loving kindness toward yourself, magic happens: you stop being so critical of yourself, and, in turn, you become less judgemental of your man. Work on altering the way you think. I find practising judgement-free days a very useful tool. It opens your mind and the results are tremendous – your partner will love this.
Why don’t you both try it? Give each other the opportunity to fully express each other’s feelings without judgement – it will move mountains. Here are a few antonyms for the word judgemental: undiscriminating, undemanding, unfussy, charitable, forgiving. Strive towards them.
I have been asked the same questions over and over in therapy settings, like “How do I know that he is the one?” I’ve also been told, “I am not happy in my relationship.”
The thing is when you blame shift, or think that everything is your partner’s fault, you will suffer tremendously. But when you realise that your situation is the cause of your choices, you will learn both peace and joy.
Love is the absence of judgement. Give him reasons to stay. Anger and jealousy will not solve a thing. Only true affection, concern, and above all, respect, can do that. When you are compassionate, your relationship becomes meaningful. You will experience happiness and a sense of calm. In turn, your man will experience peace.
Compassion does not mean you need to be weak. In fact, compassion and caring are traits we find in the strongest leaders. Compassion can be taught. It is like a muscle. It can be nurtured. It can grow. I suggest you read up on this topic, or get help from a therapist if you find it difficult to show true compassion.
Happiness in your relationship is not something ready-made – it takes work. Remember, weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. Start loving and living by these rules and you will be able to generate enough energy to light up an entire city – imagine what that will do for your relationship. And learn to listen. Really listen to him.
When you talk, you are only repeating something you already know. But when you listen, you learn something new. It was Albert Einstein who said, “Love recognises no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
Love breeds hope and hope breeds peace in healthy relationships. And create long- and short-term goals together. That is what fuels hope.
Let’s talk about sex. The best relationship is when your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. What I am trying to say is do not look past your needs to fulfil only his. We are men. We eat. We sleep. We feel. We f**k. We are testosterone-driven and when we don’t get enough, our performance drops – at home, at work, with friends, the list goes on.
Talk to your partner about what you want (not need) in bed. Be unapologetic about it, but give him the opportunity to do the same. Do this with zero judgement. Do this as a man. Do not let your partner feel embarrassed, bad or insecure, or worst of all, guilty, for wanting what he wants. Then negotiate a way forward. Try out new things, as long as none of these will be hurtful in any way, then go for it. Explore. Live like men. And be unapologetic about it. All those fantasies that you keep bottled in – share them with him. And if he tells you that he has no fantasies – help him out. Give him ideas, but for god’s sake, don’t be shy and don’t pretend. Life is too short for this kind of bulls**t. Here is the best advice you are ever going to get – If you don’t have a love affair with your man, somebody else will.
Not long ago, someone, let’s call him Jason, told me that his partner, Angelo, became disinterested in sex. That was his whole description of the so-called problem. Nothing else. Just that. I explained to him that what was missing from this conversation were a few things. His role in this. A lack of compassion and what it meant for him to be happy in this relationship.
Here is what really happened. His partner, a young university lecturer, overworked, tired, and stressed, often arrived home late, and mostly worked through the evenings, and yes, still helping with cleaning up and cooking. I told Jason to intervene. The first step was to show compassion. He sat with Angelo and acknowledged that he was concerned about the workloads. He even employed a cleaning person to help out.
That evening Angelo broke down and told him that he did not feel well physically. I instructed Jason to send Angelo to a medical doctor, and also to have his testosterone levels tested. The levels came back very low, probably due to stress. After a few injections, Angelo’s libido went sky high and Jason and his Angelo were not only banging again, they felt happy. At peace. A sense of respect was strengthened.
You see, love needs work, but when you get it right, you fall, but it is a good fall, because you fall in love, and you just don’t get up again. The best lying down I can imagine. This is how you fall in love. Over and over again. With the same person. Observe. Listen. Learn. Show compassion. Respect. Hold each other as if it were your last day on Earth.
To Jason this was happiness. That sense of respect, compassion, and a true understanding of what made Angelo feel unhappy. Jason broke down in tears when I asked him the following question – and I want to ask you, the reader, the same. Imagine for just one second, that your partner died today, what is it that you would have wanted to tell him? Think about it. Say it out loud. But go the distance. He is still around. Go and tell him. Take any bit of pain you may have just experienced after this sentence and turn it into wisdom. Jason’s answer was, “I love you Angelo. I respect you. I honour you. I salute you. You are my man.”
“It’s time for that hot tub I promised you,” I say to my partner, water running and the smell of bubble bath fills the air like a familiar guest. “Where are you going?” I laugh from my stomach when I see him running down the stairs naked. “I am getting champagne.” My beautiful man returns, glasses and bottle in hand. He looks me in the eyes. “What?” I say. “You know what,” he answers.
Henry Bantjez holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and has a history of consulting major multinationals in various countries on change management and talent development, as well as cognitive behavioural therapy.
The Star