When we think of happily ever after, a cosy, loving marriage often comes to mind. Yet, at the heart of successful relationships lies a secret map: our inherent traits and the practise of mindfulness.
Each person brings unique traits to a relationship, forming a blend of strengths and challenges.
Some are naturally empathetic, easily sensing their partner’s feelings, while others are great problem-solvers, tackling issues head-on. However, even advantageous traits can cause friction if not balanced.
For instance, a detail-oriented person might clash with a partner who’s more relaxed about planning. Recognising and appreciating these inherent differences is the first step in nurturing a relationship.
A recent study published in the journal Personal Relationships has found that mindfulness, self-compassion and compassion for others play crucial roles in boosting happiness and satisfaction in mid-life marriages.
The research is based on the self-determination theory, which helps us understand what drives us and makes us happy. According to this theory, we all need three things to feel good:
Autonomy: Feeling in control of our own lives.
Competence: Feeling capable in what we do.
Relatedness: Feeling close and connected to others.
Mindfulness and self-compassion are known to improve our overall well-being and how we relate to others.
This study looked into how these qualities help meet our basic needs and, in turn, how that affects relationships and sexual satisfaction during mid-life.
The researchers surveyed 640 married Canadians aged 40 to 59. Most of the participants were white (83%), followed by south-east Asian (7%) and black (3%) individuals.
The group was mostly heterosexual and had nearly equal numbers of men and women, with a few non-binary participants. They answered questions about their levels of mindfulness, self-compassion, compassion for others, fulfilment of psychological needs and satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives.
Here's a simple breakdown of the study's findings, focusing on practical aspects that can boost your love life:
- Mindfulness: Researchers used a survey called the Five-Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire. This tool looks at how people pay attention to their surroundings and feelings without judging or reacting too quickly.
- Self-compassion: To measure kindness towards oneself, the Self-Compassion Scale was used. It asks questions about being nice and understanding to yourself during tough times.
- Compassion towards others: They evaluated how much people comfort others in distress using the Compassion Scale. It measures the tendency to support others when they are down.
- Need fulfilment in relationships: This was checked using the basic psychological need satisfaction in relationships scale, which on three main needs:
1. Autonomy: Feeling in control of your own life.
2. Competence: Feeling capable and effective.
3. Relatedness: Feeling close and connected to your partner.
The findings were clear: meeting basic psychological needs is essential for improving both relationship and sexual satisfaction. These needs form a strong foundation that positively impacts overall relationship well-being.
Among these three needs, relatedness ‒ the feeling of being valued and cared for by your partner ‒ stood out as the most crucial.
The study showed that people who felt a strong sense of relatedness with their partners enjoyed higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
Competence, or the feeling of being effective and capable within the relationship, also showed significant influence.
It acted as a bridge connecting mindfulness and self-compassion with other needs, demonstrating that when individuals feel competent in their relationships, they are more likely to fulfil their needs for autonomy and relatedness as well.
Mindfulness and self-compassion were found to be indirectly associated with relationship and sexual satisfaction through their positive effects on need fulfilment.
Higher levels of mindfulness and self-compassion were linked to greater competence need fulfilment, which subsequently influenced the fulfilment of autonomy and relatedness needs.
This suggests that mindfulness and self-compassion help individuals to better meet their needs in a relationship, thereby enhancing overall relationship and sexual satisfaction.
The strong association between mindfulness and self-compassion also highlighted their complementary roles in promoting personal and relational well-being.
Interestingly, the study found that other-compassion (compassion toward others) had weaker associations with relationship and sexual satisfaction compared to self-compassion.
While being compassionate towards others is generally beneficial, it was the fulfilment of one’s own needs and self-compassion that had stronger and more direct impacts on relationship outcomes.
This finding suggests that self-compassion may be a more critical factor for personal and relational well-being in mid-life marriages than compassion towards others.
“Romantic relationships are wonderfully complex and affected by a great many personal and interpersonal variables.
“We utilised an analytic approach that could model that complexity,” said corresponding author Christopher Quinn-Nilas of Memorial University.